Half and Half

I've thought about this day for the past year.  Dreaded it for so many reasons.  13 years.  Half my life.  Half of it with my mom, half of it without.  This is the half way point.  Any moment after this will only equate to me having lived more time on this earth without a mother than with one.  I keep thinking about how different my life would have turned out, so much better.

As the years go by the days and times I think of you diminish but never the intensity in which I miss you.  I think part of the reason why I dreaded this day so much is because I am afraid that after this I'll just keep forgetting more and more.  Other memories will occupy my white matter and the memories of you will become scarce.  If I could just see you, hear you, feel you again.  If you could see your grandkids, spend the holidays with us.  There hasn't been a day in the past thirteen years that I haven't wished you were here.  I know it wouldn't be perfect but it would be SO much better with you.  I just wish I had the opportunity to give back to you what you gave me those 13 years.  I'll forever miss you and forever love you.  I hope the after life is real so I get to see again.  

Twelve

Sigh... It's that time of year again.  I feel like I should have so much more to say, but I don't.  I miss her, it hurts.  What else is there to say?  I want to hold her.  I want to see her.  I want to take care of her.  I want her to see me as a 25 year old woman.  I want to catch her up on the last 12 years.  12 fucking years!!!!!!!!  It wasn't suppose to be like this.  She was suppose to still be here.  I was suppose to take care of her.  She was suppose to be here with me.  I hate bringing up the fact that I have no parents.  But today I want to yell it at the top of my lungs.  I want to tell the whole world that I've lived the past 12 years on my own.  Because, regardless of whose house I was in, on the inside I was alone!  I still feel alone.

I miss her.  I've missed her for 12 years.

11 Years

Yesterday marked 11 years since my mother passed away.  The day came and went.  It began with a trip to the gym, then work, dinner with the boyfriend, and then it hit me.  I went to bed and all the pent up emotions and frustrations hit me.  11 years without her.  She's not here.  Most days I accept the reality that is my life.  I have no mother (or father for that fact), I live on my own, and the holidays are hard.  However, today it all feels like too much to bear.  It all just seems like some kind of sick joke, like a nightmare that will end soon, like a life that isn't really mine.  The years will continue to pass and with it will go the clear memories but never these feelings.  In 4 days another marker will come, the anniversary of the funeral.  After that, the days will pass, the raw emotions will subside to be buried until next fall when I'll let the bitterness resurface again. 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you but on most days the emptiness is bearable.  Today I don't feel as strong as I'd like, today I let my walls down (as much as my introverted self will allow), today I need you.  I love you Mom! 

A Decade

Dear Mami,

I still can't believe it's been a decade since I last saw your face. These past 10 years have been rough on me. I wish that I had the energy to write you a longer letter and tell you how much I've truly missed you in the last 10 years, but I'm spent. I just want you to know that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. I will always be grateful for the time I got to spend with you and for all the things that you taught me. I know that life was not easy on you and I admire you for never giving up and doing what you did for me and Esteban. I can only sit and admire you now and love you uncontrollably. You meant the world to me 10 years ago and you mean the world to me now. I know that in many ways I was not the perfect daughter and that I was a bratty teen but I hope that you know that despite the attitude and disrespect I loved you with all my heart. For as long as I live there will be a part of me missing and that is because it went with you. You are always in my thoughts and my heart. I love you! I never want to forget you and your memory, you will forever live in my heart. These past 10 years have been for you and I will continue to try for you. I promise to never give up. I miss you more than anyone can imagine and love you with all my heart.

Love,

Martita